The Apology #16

my apology became an echo
reverberating in your vacant mind
my finger tips frost bitten
from touching your skin
my face soaked with tears I
apologize; I betrayed you
I robbed you of
the right to know
the right to choose
that in my quest
for self-fulfillment I
treaded on the blades of grass
that were your heart
I trampled your innocence
and let you think that
we
were
as I watched you sleep
in my bed I knew you were
my victim
a victim in a selfish plot
that was the story of my love
for you
though you question me
and hear only lies
when I speak love to you
I want to remind you
of the risks I took to be with you
preparations I had made to defend
my loving you
to think that I would appear to you
in the future and my apology
would have meant nothing I
apologize that I lacked the courage
to take my life in effort
to prove my remorse
I wear a jester's cap today
ever the clown in your eyes
but I've lost my sense of humor
you've locked me out
knowing that I crave you
I crave the sound of your voice
and the too-few blissful moments
we shared in our secret world
now all seem to know
something's wrong
imprints of me are tattooed
on your mind as those of you
are tattooed on mine
in a tragic irony we will never
be rid of each other; while I
long to think of us as star-crossed
lovers because it allows me to
digest the shards of glass
that are my daily intake
of what I did to you
I no longer remember
the last time I saw you
what you wore
what you said
if any tears were shed I'm
sorry that you can no longer
bare the sight of me
as I long to see you with
every element of my being
I create lists in my mind
of all of the things I long to give you
Spending my days rewriting the story
of our love; the ending never changes
you... gave me poetry and
with you hands wrapped around my neck
you squeezed the words like breath
from my throat; my hands wrapped
around your heart squeezed the love
like blood from your chambers
I knew that I had won you
like a silly carnival prize
sitting atop my bureau I would
destroy you I
apologize for my inability
to recognize the evil within me
forgive me for lacking self-restraint
and exercising some sense of right
in this morally ambiguous situation
we created I'm
afraid to look into your eyes and see
the absence of hope and love
let me retrieve the pieces of your heart
so that I might rebuild it
restoring your faith in humanity
by allowing me, to be good again I
apologize for being flawed
for creating an image of the me
I wanted to be I
never asked to be put on a pedestal
surely the fall would have been
much shorter, much smoother, much easier
if I'd only had a place in your heart